I Love Lacey/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Mm-Hmm. Hmm-mmm, mmm. That was unbelievable. On the apple crumble scale, which I'm perfectly aware does not exist, that was a 9.99. Wanda Dollard: Thanks for inviting us. It's very good. Oscar Leroy: Well, I think it's great. Lacey Burrows: Would you like another bowl? Oscar: No, I meant getting together like this. Lacey: Oh. Hank Yarbo: We should do it more often, like when we went to Grey Cup. Brent: Oh, yeah the Grey Cup. That was a great game. Oscar: A hell of a game. Hank: Oh-ho, yeah. Lacey: There's a game not to miss. Davis Quinton: Oh no. Karen Pelly: I'm glad I was there in person. Wanda: That's how to see a football game. Emma Leroy: It's just too bad we couldn't have all sat together. Lacey: Yeah. Karen: Yeah, Davis. Davis: Well, by splitting up into pairs, we got better seats. Hank: Like Noah's ark. Brent: Thank God it didn't rain. Karen: Yeah. Lacey: You know, I've always thought of a shortcut as something that saves time. Brent: I never said this was a shortcut. Did I ever once use the term shortcut? Lacey: Yes. You said, "let's take the grid road. It's a shortcut." Brent: Oh, yeah. Well, don't worry. We got lots of time. We're still gonna make the game. Lacey: Do you know what's wrong with the car? Brent: This is a 1968 Oldsmobile Cutlass, 350 four-barrel, it's got no catalytic converter. I don't want to get overly technical... Lacey: We're outta gas. Brent: We're outta gas. Lacey: Oh, great. I feel like I'm in high school again. Brent: Don't worry, I won't put the moves on ya. Lacey: No, in high school we ran out of gas a lot. Brent: Oh. Lacey: This must be kind of embarrassing for you, running out of gas when you own a gas station. Brent: I got a jerry can in the trunk. Lacey: Well, this must be kind of embarrassing for you, having an empty jerry can when you own a gas station. Brent: Were you this annoying in high school? Lacey: I'll call a tow truck. Brent: No. I saw a farmhouse. Maybe we can get a ride. Lacey: Well, Brent, just let me call someone for help? Brent: This is kind of embarrassing for me. I own a gas station. Hank: Why are we stopping? Oscar: Because I want to visit my buddy, Russell. He owes me 20 bucks. Hank: Who's Russell? Oscar: My buddy. Russell's quite a character. I could tell you some funny stories. Hank: Oh, yeah? Like what? Oscar: None of your business. Hank: Have we got time for this? Oscar: We got time, jackass. If I wanted to hear complaints, I woulda drove here with Emma. Emma: Thanks for letting me take a detour. Wanda: As long as we have the time. Emma: If I wanted complaining, I would have come with Oscar. Wanda: I'm not complaining. I love shopping. Emma: Sometimes a girl has to take care of herself. Wanda: Say to heck with it and splurge a little. Emma: Hey, here we are. Davis: I buy everybody's tickets on my credit card, then I get the people to pay me back and that way I get the frequent flyer points. Karen: But you don't even like to fly. Davis: I know. I just love collecting the points. Karen: What about miles? Davis: Oh, no. I'm off miles. Just collecting the points. Do you have the tickets? Karen: Maybe they're back in your truck. Did you check the glove compartment? Davis: They're not in the glove compartment. Karen: How can you be sure? Davis: Because that compartment's for gloves. You're not supposed to put other things in there. Karen: I hate to think what you keep in handbag. Brent: Hello? Lacey: I don't think anybody's home. I wonder where they could be. Brent: I don't know. It's as if there's a huge football game on in a nearby city. Lacey: Maybe they got there by putting some sort of fuel in their tank. Will you let me call a tow truck? Brent: No. You don't understand. For a gas man, this empty jerry can thing is like a big purple badge of shame. Let me go look around back. Lacey (phone): Hi. My car is broken down, or, or maybe it broke down. We didn't run out of gas. Please don't tell people that. But, you know, if you happen to have some, maybe you could bring some along with ya. Hank: Do any of your stories about your buddy, Russell, involve him not answering the door? Oscar: Shut up about the stories. Hank: He's not here, Oscar. Oscar: He's here. Hank: Just try the door. Oscar: Russell? Wanda: I love shopping here. I buy all my Christmas presents here. Emma: Christmas? Can't people tell? Wanda: Nah. Once you rip the price tag off, people don't know if you spent a hundred bucks or seven cents. Let's face it, people aren't very bright. Emma: What about this, um, bracelet you, uh, bought for me for Christmas? Wanda: Well, yeah. Yeah, where, where did I get that? I got that, um...oh, hey, look, string. Oscar: Russell! Hank: Hey, Oscar. Does your friend, Russell, like to lie on the kitchen floor with a phone in his hand? Oscar: No. Hank: Then either this guy ain't Russell or your friend Russell is dead. Oscar: I told you he was here. Brent: Success. I filled it from a jerry can I found in the back of a truck. No longer a badge of shame, now a badge of triumph. I will not be defeated...ow, that's heavy. Lacey: Brent, you can't take somebody else's gas. You of all people should know that. Brent: I left a note and some money. We've still got time to make the game. Lacey: You know what? I'm just going to make a quick call. Brent: Who are you calling? Lacey: My mother. Brent: Right now? Lacey: Yeah. Lacey (phone): Hello. Hi. Uh, you know that problem we were talking about earlier? Hello? I'm cutting out. Hi. Yeah, listen, um, everything is taken care of. We're on our way, so you don't have to do the thing. Okay? I love you. Tow Truck Driver: She says they're on their way. They musta caught a ride back to town. She said she loves me. Assistant: So, should we tow? Tow Truck Driver: When in doubt, tow. Oscar: Good old Russell. He was always there for ya with a kind word and a smile. Hank: We're never gonna make the game. Oscar: Ah, the jerk was always makin' me late. Hank: We called the police like an hour ago. Weren't they supposed to be here within 45 minutes or something? Oscar: That's pizza. Hank: Let's just write a note. Oscar: A note. Maybe that's all I'll get, is a note. Did you ever think of that? Hank: No, not even once. "Dear police." Oscar: What about the ambulance guys? You don't want to snub them. Hank: "Dear emergency workers." Oscar: That's a real nice belt Russell's wearin'. Wanda: I love shopping here. Emma: Me too. It's so easy to keep a running tally on what you spend. Fifteen items, fifteen bucks. Cashier: Will that be everything? Emma: Yes. Cashier: Are you sure? Emma: I don't like your tone. Cashier: Where did you get that bracelet? Emma: From her, for Christmas. Wanda: Yeah. Cashier: Really? How do you explain this, then? Davis: Well, I'll have to go to a scalper. Karen: Isn't that weird for you to go to a scalper? Davis: Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that. Karen: Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal. Davis: Oh, yeah. But we can't miss the Grey Cup. Karen: Why did we have to get here three hours early? Davis: For situations just like this. Karen: Fine. Well, there's a scalper over there. Brent: You're calling your Mom again? Lacey: Ah, you know? I want to use up the minutes. Brent: Sheesh. Time to cut the apron strings. Lacey: Oh, I can't get service. Brent: We'll be at the car soon. Lacey: Yeah. Hank: You know, I never knew it snowed in Vegas. Oscar: Come here and help me. Hank: What are ya doin'? Oscar: He owes me 20 bucks. He'd want me to take it. Hank: I don't think so. Oscar: All right. You want to hear a funny Russell story? Here's a funny Russell story. In 1963... Young Russell: Oscar? When I die, I want you to have my belt. Hank: That's not a funny story. Oscar: Come here, ya little wiener, and help me with the belt. Hank: All right, fine. But when we get that belt off him, I'm takin' one of his snow globes. Oscar: Grab here. That's it. Okay, now, one, two, three. Brent: Okay, we've definitely gone far enough now. Lacey: No, no. I, I think I see a...I see it just up there. Or maybe we walked past it. Brent: I would have been better off if I let you call a tow truck. Lacey: Oh, come on. Don't beat yourself up about it. Think of this as a, as an adventure. You know, walking along, enjoying nature. Brent: Yeah. Physical activity and direct sunlight, two of my favourite things. If you were playing the bagpipes, this would be a perfect day. Davis: Cover me. I'm goin' in. I would like to buy some merchandise from you. Undercover Cop: Sorry? Davis: I said I want to buy some merchandise from you. I'll pay. You can use whatever word you want. I'll pay. Undercover Cop: Okay. You're uh...under arrest. Davis: For scalping? Undercover Cop: For soliciting. Hank: I can't believe we got caught stealin' a dead guy's belt. Oscar: Don't worry. I'll talk us out of this. Hank: With your funny story? Oscar: He wanted me to have that belt. Hank: Oh. You know how you could make it funnier? Young Russell: Oscar, when I die, I want you to have my belt. Hank: Honk, honk. Brent: Okay, it's time to face facts. My car's been stolen. Lacey: Let's not jump to conclusions. Brent: Do you have a better explanation? Lacey: Well, I don't know. Maybe, maybe you left it in neutral and it rolled away. Brent: Down one of these steep Saskatchewan hills? Lacey: Well I don't know Brent. Why would someone steal a car that was out of gas, anyway? I, I better call my Mom. Brent: You called a tow truck. Lacey: Yeah. But I didn't think they were going to come and tow your car. Brent: That's why they're called tow trucks. Lacey: I'm sorry. Brent: It's all right. Just call them now and we'll get the car back. Lacey: Okay. My phone doesn't work. Brent: Let's head back to the farmhouse. Lacey: Brent, you're leaving behind your gasman's badge of triumph. Brent: Believe me, it weighs heavy on my conscience. But it weighs even heavier on my shoulder. Cashier: Do you expect me to believe that somebody gave you a 99 cent bracelet as a Christmas present? Wanda: This is a waste of everybody's time, huh? I mean, what do you make? In the five minutes we've spent arguing, we probably already cost the company a dollar. Cashier: That would take ten minutes actually. Wanda: Oh, I'm sorry. Cashier: Now give me the bracelet. Wanda: I wouldn't touch her if I were you. Cashier: I just need to see it. Oof! Davis: Honestly, I didn't know you were a prostitute. Undercover Cop: I'm not a prostitute. I'm a police officer pretending to be a prostitute. Davis: I know, I get that. I just didn't think you were a prostitute. The outfit really didn't sell it for me. Undercover Cop: Are you sayin' I don't know my job? Davis: No, I didn't, I mean you...you look very trashy. Undercover Cop: Thank you. Davis: Hey, listen, officer. Look, I'm a cop, too. Undercover Cop: Yeah, right. If you're a cop, then where's your badge? Karen: Hey. Davis: I can't make bail. Karen: Why not? Davis: I maxed my credit cards out buying those Grey Cup tickets. Cop: We're going to be busy with Grey Cup rowdies, so we're going to let you go. But don't let it happen again. Oscar: I want my belt. Hank: Aw, Oscar. Geez, man. Just let it go. Oscar: Russell, the dead man, he wanted me to have that belt. Hank: Oh, hey, get this. They're wearing these funny hats, right? And then...honk, honk. Oscar: I want my belt. What's it gonna take for you and me to work this out? Cop: What size jacket's that? Brent: Well, no one's at the house. Oh, my feet are killin' me. Lacey: Man, too bad this wasn't a walkathon. We could have gotten sponsors and raised some money. Brent: Let's face it. You just wanted to get me out in the middle of nowhere, another of your innocent victims, like in high school. Lacey: If we were in high school, you'd have put the moves on me. Brent: Yeah, I'd love to put the moves on you, but I've got a wicked case of jerry can elbow. Lacey: You want to put the moves on me? Brent: I didn't mean it like that. I just meant obviously i'd like to put the moves on you. Lacey: Right. Yeah, you've said that twice. Brent: Only in the sense that naturally I would want to put the moves on ya. Lacey: That's three times. Brent: Explain this walkathon idea. Cashier: I'm gonna have to call the cops, you know? Emma: You go right ahead. Cashier: And you will probably be banned for life from this and every other dollar store. Emma: You mean not all stores are separately owned and operated? Cashier: Oh yes they are, but when it comes to matters like this, the dollar stores will stand united. Wanda: Ha-hey-hey, hey, champ. Hah-ha. That's, that's silly, isn't it? You know? Uh, why don't we just give you our Grey Cup tickets, huh? Cashier: Really? Wanda: Yeah. Cashier: Wow. Well, yeah, okay. But what am I going to do with two tickets? Karen: Okay, I bail you out with my card, but I get a trip with your points? Davis: Canada or continental U.S. short haul? Karen: Long-haul business class or I walk away right now. Davis: Okay, fine. Let's just get out of here. Teller: Next? Karen: Hi. I'd like to... Teller (phone): Hello? Cashier (phone): I just scored two tickets to the Grey Cup. Want to go? Teller (phone): Sure. Davis: Hey. Lacey: You don't think I'm worth puttin' the moves on? Brent: No, it's not that. It's just that I'm lacking in the move department. Lacey: Well, you've never even tried. You know, that kinda makes a girl feel unappreciated. Brent: You're not unappreciated. Trust me. I mean you're smart, you're pretty, we have lots of fun together. As far as I know, we're not related in any way. Lacey: Then why not? Pete Stevens (Farmer): Hey, Caroline. What are you...oh, sorry. I thought you were my cow. Oscar: I got my belt and I got rid of that stupid jacket. This is the best day of my life. Hank: You got the tickets? Oscar: Crap! Cop: Hey, Randy. Happy birthday, man. New Teller: Oh. Thank you. Grey Cup tickets? Cop: Well, yeah. New Teller: All right! If we hurry, we can still make kick off. Karen: I still get the flight though, right? Pete Stevens: Well, I got some good news. It isn't the engine that's broken. It's the gas gauge. But don't worry. I got a jerry can in the back. Brent: Wait for it. Pete Stevens: What the heck? It's empty. Davis: Yeah, that was a good Grey Cup. Karen: Sure was. I'll see you in two weeks. I'm going to Hawaii. Davis: Don't rub it in. Oscar: Best game ever, eh, Hank? Hank: Yeah, sure, Oscar. Emma: I really enjoyed it, too. Wanda: Yeah. Too bad, though, we couldn't sit together. Emma: Let's go. Hank: Well, I'm going to the bar. Brent: Yeah, I'll be there in a second. Lacey: Hey. Brent: Hey. You know what? I was thinking we should go to a football game for real sometime. Lacey: Yeah? Oh, that would be great. Brent: And maybe this time all eight of us can actually go together. Lacey: All eight of us? Brent: Or it doesn't have to be all eight. Lacey: No. No, that would be good. Brent: Or, I don't know. Lacey: It's okay. It's like at the farm, you know? I mean sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you gotta just seize the moment. You know what I mean? Brent: Geez, that car had Alaska plates. How far away are we from Alaska? Lacey: I'm going to call it a night. I'll see ya tomorrow? Category:Transcripts